quicksand.

fuuck big head ache
everything i do is like quicksand
even though i try and try harder
sinks me down deeper..
fuck man..

fucck tonight..

worst way to end the night..
fucken almost pulled a muscle at the gym.
almost got hit while driving home twice !
found out mom only wanted my handicap placard so her fucken boyfriend could park his other car at our house..
fucken taking two parking spaces with his cars..
i come home and someone ate my last chippy.



FUUUUUUCK MY LIFE..


i wish i was skinny again

Sleepless night

RT @RevRunWisdom: 2 have a great relationship.. u have 2 choose being happy & 2gether instead of always having 2 be right

Rev run couldn't be anymore right when he posted this one.. I guess you can say sometimes were to blind to see or to know when it's not always the best thing to always be right.. I guess you can say I've always been trying to be right and I end up being an asshole instead... I can easily speak for everyone in the world and say .. Relationships are hard... And live has it's pros and cons.. But I guess you can also say the pros or cons can out weigh each other depending on the love and understanding you have for one another.. If you allow yourself to see the little bad things to be bigger than they are.. You become blind to see the bigger picture and that is to know what things can be easily worked out if it's understood and kept small.. Like rev run said to .. Take care of problems while their infants because when their grown their more hard and mor painful.. It's true.. Ugh I've been up restless and not even a bit of my eyes are tired but the only thing I am tired of is the fact that in the end of it all there's only one thing I need and want no matter what shit goes on one person and that's Klarissa libramonte.. Although we might be dramatic selfish assholes.. The way I love her cannot be matched or broken..ugh she's the one person I can easily say.. Would want to spend a more than a lifetime with..



ugh.. I can't even sleep because I'm not sleepy soo much is running through my head... I wouldve thought that the divorce would not affect me but it has bigger than I couldve imagined.. And to top it off I've lost the one person who was everything to me..I have too much in my mind and need something or someone to help me out of it.. I'm really considering moving out..

Who knew

All some people want is someone else..I guess it's implied for everyone but me

Tribulations

Life always has it's shortcomings ... I miss my aunt but I know and my aunt would want me to know that I need to learn to be strong and lead my own path with my own guidance ahh lifes hard.. Relationships are hard.. One thing I've realize also is that Karl is a good boyfriend to my mom and I have to face the facts.. And with my relationship.. There's always the ups and downs of it but to make em work you just gotta know how pick each other up when the relationship is at it's down I love my girlfriend although we might fight or she might annoy me.. That's life the perfect relationship isn't the best way to go.. It's the imperfect ones that challenge our hearts and strengthen them to know how and where to find real love.

As it goes for what I'm most thankful for:
Life
Family
Girlfriend
And love because most people want to have it but have a difficult time finding it

Assfghjkl

Some people always say things are better when there asleep they want to stay asleep and never wake up.. Well I dint want to sleep because I don't want to see tomorrow..:( I don't want to sleep...talk...tweet..see..use myspace...use anything I just want to isolate myself and never sleep so I can never wake up to a new day

Fuck

That shit!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Ahhh start of a good day

Hmmm what a good day thought I was going to be late but I got in class in time it my hw done and in time and I jumped from rank 20 to rank 17 and my babygiirk hasn't annoyed me yet :) hahahh jk yaaay I love you baby fish taco Tuesday now since my baby is back home we've missed you and glad your home love you now gotta get back to paying attention on class

( )

I never got to say this because I didn't want to post up anything
anywhere saying rip auntie because I didn't want to anyone to know of
my heartache I've grown and learned to become a more mature person to
always handle what's going on in my life..just in MY life instead of
boasting it to the world of The loss of someone who I consider to be
my mother..I've learned that the world doesn't need to know my pain
and heartache..I've come to a turning point in my life were I find
myself empty hearted.. I haven't been doing anything right and nothing
seems to come my way but I just try to keep myself and my heart
optimistic as posible.. But I just find myself in a gutter.. Nothing I
ever say or do is ever considered to be the right choice of words or
actions... I feel now as if i'm just doing no good but wrong all the
positive I bring out of myself becomes a negative I find myself in a
stand point of not knowing what to do to make it right or to get what
I want... Sometimes I feel so lost and Alone knowing my aunts gone
when I look through my old conversations on my phone of that I had
with my aunt I find my self in the confusion of forgetting she's not
there to reply.. Were I stand is in the shadow of failure...failure as
a son..failure as a friend... Failure as a cousin... Failure as a
boyfriend.. Failre as a brother and failure in general.. As much as I
try to give there's nothing I Can physically emotionally or even
mentally do to earn what I think I deserve.. It's 5 am and I'm outside
in the cold feeling no feeling physically in my extemities and no
feeling mentally in my mind.. I wish as emo as is sounds that god
would just take me.. Or even just tell me how to be the person that
deserves I've done nothing but
dissappoint ..anger...frustrate..annoy..Push away everything I don't
want to do anything anymore as my heart remains empty and my voice
remain unheard my mind is a blank. I want to sleep knowing I won't
wake up.

update on life.

worth.
1. The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable:

Worth. pretty much we all know the word "worth" pertains to something that is valuable or desirable to someone. As of September 28, 2009. The worth i've built up to be for myself has dwindled down to its last penny. I've grown and matured to become a different person. One that you may see to your dislike but for me. I see it as myself growing into an adult. As i sit in on the dinning room table with the sound of a faint echo of my keys as i press my fingers against them i think to myself one thing. Why? The most commonly asked question in the world...Why? I sit her thinking Why am i crying? As i try to think about the reason why the constant sobbering and constant whimpering doesnt able me to clearly figure out the big picture. As i finally calm down and catch my breath it comes to my mind. I'm letting my self be eaten by my back of my mind. I'm too busy thinking about what i want and not what i probably need. Sometimes i wonder why do i always need to get even? when i always give the simple advice to other people "be the bigger person," meaning to not get even.. but to grow up and admit your wrongs and not to get back right. I keep telling myself i'm so overwhelmed with work and stressed with so many problematic situations.. when the only true answer is relax. Life is too short to sweat the small things and stress so much to grow bigger problems. If there's one thing i've learned in life that's "Love has nothing to do with looks, but everything to do with time, trust, and interest." I've learned that the most impatient people like myself need to learn to be patient. Although patience is a trait not easily learned.. but the irony about patience is that... You don't even know it but once you've learned to be patient, you understand that you we're patient in the beginning in order to realize that you were. Trust.. ahh one of the most common gift taken for granted. You can say that Trust is like the egg in the egg toss game. So fragile, on the outside but so filling inside. With the smallest crack can break it. Although i keep telling myself that i trust, i trust, i have nothing to worry about. I can't really admit to that but the one thing i can admit to is that i'm in the process of trusting. Is that a bad thing? not necessarily.. yes it'd be nice to gain someone's trust just like that but what's so good about that? Tell me someone who just easily trust you.. is that really better than someone who learns to complete trust you? Time is the core ingredient with everything as much as we want either time's clock to quicken or slow down. Time is and will always be the only constant. For love the ingredient is time..trust..time..intrest..time..infatuation..time..money..time..life..time..wants..time.... Time is the main ingredient with life. Using time with trust is not having the 'wants' to have someone trust you right now... but to want that person to find his/her right 'time' to complete trust you. With love time is an ingredient most commonly used with love. Because with love comes patience. Loving someone takes great courage. It takes great courage because Love, although the greatest gift of all, can be taken for granted or be used in vain. Love.. what is it? no one knows it.. but like the wind you can't see it or explain it.. but can only feel it. Love is like an amoeba.. it's in no shape or form but is molded and shaped between to halves and is the glue to make those halves whole.

Ahh my life. Crazy? yes. Normal? somewhat. Growing up i had an ironic life. I grew up fighting and being punished and beaten by my dad and loved and cherished by my mother. But once i grew up it seems as if my dad care's and loves me more and my mom is the one who beats and talks down to me. june 15, 1996, i was 13, and it was the day before my birthday. My mom was gone for a business trip again, for the 2nd year in a row and my dad looses his temper because of some miniscule thing i've done and my punishment was being driven the heart of the ghetto of norwalk on imperial and pioneer and left there. For the first time in my life i was kicked out of my house. Not only kicked out but driven somewhere blindfolded and left in the cold for hours lost and confused on where to go. for the first time. i've come out with this. But that night was a night to be remembered. I was 13 and i tried finding my way back home but to find myself to get lost in the "one ways" for the first time. And the only flash memory of being held at gunpoint breaking down in tears but to rescue my 8th grade school teacher had lived in the one ways and noticed me and came to my rescue. Feared until this day.. breaks my heart to know i've kept that inside for so long until this day my dad or mom or even brother doesn't even know of this event. Although my childhood with my father had seemed harsh or abrasive.. I'm glad to know that til this day my dad apologized for the bad times he put me through and showed me that he still wants to still try and by my dad. And i'm more than greatful for that. But since then the relationship that my mother and i have... have gone from mother and son.. to woman to man.. I've never been kicked out ever since that day but since i've been kicked out so many times the past few months it brings back the memories... ones not worth reminiscing.

To be honest i'm the type of person to say everything because my personal life is something that i don't like to reminisce most of the time.

It seems as if my life is the 2000 piece puzzle being solved in the family van. With every bump in the road.. a piece of my puzzle of my life is lost under the seat.. and i don't seem to try and gain that piece back. Year after Year has been a rough year. With the lost of my grandma last year nearing my birthday..and now the death of my other grandma just a week ago.. makes me wonder.. the same question.. why? Although with an sturdy, strong exterior lies within a feeble interior. What i mean by that is that when the time i do drop my rough exterior.. i just breakdown.

To describe myself in a paragraph i'd say i'm a very simple, plain, arrogant, stubborn, happy, selfish, annoying, nosey, caring, and loving person. When i say i'm simple i mean it referring to my style.. i love simple things and don't need no fancy shcamncy things. When i say i'm plain.. i mean it as.. i don't like to party.. club.. drink.. smoke weed.. or hook up with girls all the time.. the only thing i ever desire is just to chill. When i mean i'm arrogant its self- explanatory. When i say i'm stubborn i mean it because no matter how much i want to admit my wrong i don't because i don't want to be wrong. Happy because who doesn't love and want to be happy? selfish because when i want something i don't share. The other stuff you know i'm to lazy to explain but this is me.. The problem is that i worry and care to much sometimes that i let it get a hold of me.

i don't know this is a weird post.. it jumps here and there..

anyways.. Life.. i suck at it right now..

i suck because i've become "worth"less

i do want to just sleep forever sometimes.

Stresss

I'm starting feel and beginning to believe that I can't do this nursing thing..soany things to learn and cram I'm and to memorize. Especially discourging comments from my mom and brother makes me wonder maybe I can't do this I've failed or given up on majority of things in my life and with no encouragment I'm starting to think I can't even to this nursing isn't as easy as it seems. I want to give up and just find my ethopia..I'm studying my book and doing my hw an it seems like when I feel like I've done so much when in reality ivE only barely scratced the surface of it..ugh..doing it alone is hard and depressing.. It even made it so much harder when I talked to my dad and hearing him trying to tell me I can do it when I know deep in his heart is filled with the financial tribulations and expensive amounts of debt bring him almost to the point of depression. Hearing from my aunt informing me that my dad is not the same person e used to be.. And now that makes me cry to know I can't do anything about it..it's been one day and I'm already exhausted it's so stupid how I cry while I'm trying to do my hw...I hate myself for being weak...I'm never gonna make it with nursing I should just quit..

real talk

She was a young preteen obsessed with magazines
Always watched the model scene on the television screen
Looked up in the mirror and the only thing she seen
Was a fat and ugly body never thought she was queen
Squeezed into her jeans and all she could was scream
Spent all her daddys money on the lotions and the creams
Man she spent a fortune never had reinforcement
daddy never hugged her cuz her parents were divorced and
when she ate she forced it, or cut it into portions
then spent the rest of the night just clutchin to the porcelain
she used to be so pure but she gave the intercourse
to a dude thats abusive cuz she feels so insecure
hes cheatin and the beats her but they never gonna break up
cuz when her eyes are black and blue she just covers it make up
the companies be lyin just so they can get they cake up
cmon baby look youre beautiful you need to wake up

just letting the one most important person in my life.
that even if what i have to say might not change your mind.
here's some lyrics to a song..

baby you're beautiful please understand that you are the most gorgeous woman i've ever seen.
no ones beauty can out do yours. and its not because i love you loving you is just an extra gift.
you're beauty.. is something no one can top.
you're beautiful from head to toe.. pleaaase believe that.
don't hurt yourself with thoughts of dislike..or disgust.
you're beauty to me grows each day i see you.
i love you baby :)

5 years

it's been 5 years since i've gotten to talk to my cousin jeff the way i did today..5 long years since we've cried in front of each other. The only time we both felt so low. I needed this today.

a reminder to myself to be strong and pray.
although we both struggle in our own battles.

we've learned that no matter what just face the problem head on instead of trying to find something to do to get our minds off of it.

i love my cousin. Thank you for spilling your heart to me. Hearing what tribulations are going through in your life help me realize..i just need to be strong..

what a night...

probably the worst night for me..
made a big mistake.
hurt important people.

and to put the cherry on top..

i come home around 2 am
with my clothes..
belongings...
comforter
outside my front door like a yard sale.
so i decided to sleep in hacienda.


god. help me.

cuatro?

HAPPY 4 MONTHS LOVE OF MY LIFE :)

heavy heart

Lately..my hearts been heavy not because of what i've said or done but what people have told me. My mind is filled up like the 405 on its busiest day. Why is it this way? I don't know.

My hearts heavy because i dont know....my minds filled because i don't know...

i want to vent but don't know what words to say.

i'm lost in translation...

im not important.

At this time you are feeling ‘uptight’ and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been ‘hard done by’ and treated with a complete lack of consideration. Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn’t too different.

You are a fighter and always on the defensive. You always need to be sure that your position is safe and established. When you finally make a decision you will pursue it to the bitter end in spite of all opposition.

You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always ‘right’ - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

The tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to physical and/or mental frustration. It would appear that you are not appreciated and as a consequence, the situation is most disagreeable. You seek personal recognition and the appreciation of others to compensate for the lack of like minded people with whom to ally yourself. You would like to surrender and merge with others but your inherent self-restraint makes it difficult for you to open up. This disturbs you as you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You want to be liked, admired and appreciated for yourself.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

Sooo many

Technology has it's grasp on the world like a vice grip.. Social networks spreading through the Internet like a virus...although it has it's pros and cons but at what audacity can a social network make or break a person. Social networks like myspace..Twitter ... Facebook ... Etc. Have taken up the lives of many people. Causingthem to loose the lust of a genuine conversation or personality or the choices easily made over certain things just to post a bulletin or write on someone wall or tweet..etc. The point of a social network is to stay in touch with people or in some peoples cases meeting people. I mean cmon when have the words myspace, Twitter, and facebook been accepted in automatic spellcheck or even in te English dictionary. It's sad how I can easily misspell Twitter and there's already an auto correction? Lol I'm not hating it's just there have been so many new faces of social networks it's become ridiculous.. Although I have them I've learned to tone it down so that my life isn't overwhelmed or overtaken by them

a little piece of my mind

ugh...

niice video i love this song i've been wanting to watch this.



as my status..
just nonchalant.
sleeeep is great..
besides the moments before and after you sleep.



oh how frustration is a bitch
have a swell evening

i want to start skating again

jeff gimme my board

dang

i'm really stupid sometimes

ahhhh contemplating.

thinking thinking thinking
its whaat i've been doing so much lately
i'm kinda glad that i was able to control the dumb things i say better
hard as it was i was able to do it....but when do you know when
the liiine was just drawn to thick?

relationships...whaaaaat keeps them and what are they based off of?
to me it all depends on the kind of relationship you have...
whether its to love..lust..or just comfort..
but what differentiates the three from one another?
well first of all the comfort kind of relationship is one which i believe you can receive from someone who you see is
just the friend.
the lust is the kind you have with someone who you find physically attractive and all you want
to do and have with that person is the 'lust' factor. The fact that you only seek that relationship for the
lust and pleasure of it instead of what can be achieved through a relationship of love.
with a relationship that consist of love i believe that with that love you get the benefit of all three...without over powering one another. But the beauty and the essence of the 'love' type of relationship is that it provides much moore than just the three but many other small important kind of relationship that i believe you must always have with the one your in love with. You must build a relationship surrounding not the lust..or comforting..but around the genuine ideal of being with that person because you have the love you've built and received from that person. The type of love that doesn't require the need to run to them only when in need but to run to them at all times knowing they're there to love and support you with anything. The type of love that doesn't require the lustful passion to just have sex. A relationship is more than just that. Its a bond you build with that one person that you give and open your heart completely to.

but don't get me wrong although the comforting shouldn't be forced and the lust shouldnt be the main reason why you linger in the relationship. These do matter. Although the relationship you have shouldn't be overpowered with the ideal..that your staying in it because they're comforting thats not what a 'loving' and 'strong' relationship is based on but the comforting factor should still be there just not out doing the most important thing..the 'love'.....Lust we all need it in some way and we all lust in different ways. But lust shouldn't take over our hearts. Although maybe it might seem as if you think that Lust is what its all about you should'nt 'not do it' and think not doing it will prove that its not overbearing all the parts of the relationship..but to make it understood that it isn't. Just because you stop something to prove it doesn't mean it's entirely over. The passion you have with your partner is a bond you only share with them and should share with them. if you think that not showing some sort of affection is going to solve anything think again. You must just make an understanding between both halves of the relationship that lust is not what your relationship is about if you don't want it to be. in a relationship you made a commitment to one another that is different than any other type of commitment. Don't get me wrong Lust shouldn't over power the heart...nor should the comfort of just having the first available able person around..should either...But relationships consist of them...its up to the two of you to build the understanding that the relationship is based on the love you have for one another. And that if you feel one thing may over power the love...Talk and show that its not...Don't stop it because of that reason...but only engrave in your mind and your relationship that it isn't...with a loving healthy relationship.. you must communicate...be trustworthy and trustworthy of your love...completely honest even if your hated for expressing the truth rather than adored by telling lies..passionate towards each other...willing to take an extra step when needed..comforting and supportive towards one another. Last but not least you must express your Love in the best of your own abilities. Because the way you may show how much you love a person can never be matched..or perfected. The way you say you love and the way you show you love a person....shouldn't have a structure..because love is mysterious..the way you love a person can never be the same as you love a family member. The way you show how much you love that person....there shouldn't be any fear of curiosity on how to express it because love is the most unique thing one can offer to someone else. And as unique as it is there is no set way to show it...say it..express it..confront it. Love has no equal. The love you can offer isn't all perfect..but it can be visualized as perfect to the one person you may be giving it to.

Love might hurt the most but at the same time it offers much much more than just pain.

I know i've been letting certain factors affect me when it shouldn't and i've learned to not let it overpower or overtake me no long.

i'm so very much in love with Klarissa Natalia Latigay Libramonte.


a night i will remember and will keep in my heart forever...Thank you Hope for the World...for the warm welcome to your church.

as far as what i'm feeling for..
i'm exciteedddd!!! i've never
and i mean never been to the oc fair
and i'm going today with who else but the one i'm in mad love with


yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! for today..thing is....
who's driving? hahaha

i love reading old aims

itsklarisssa:hiiiiiiiii thank you too youve helpedd me getttt outtta my depresssion and stupid shittty times alotssssa and it amazes me cos i know you;ve never even tried. you were kinda the saliva that sealed the envelope of tha pastttttttt and start fuhhhhhresh (:

and this is toooooooooooo fucken cute

babylove from Klarissa Libramonte on Vimeo.

Shark Summmmmer!

i want to go here
thats fucccken dope

Kuroshio Sea - 2nd largest aquarium tank in the world from Jon Rawlinson on Vimeo.

Alone

As i sit here yet another night home alone not knowing where my brother by the countless empty calls and the unknown presence of where my mom is as her car sits in the garage with her no where to be found. All the love left for me lies on a table in the form of a rectangular gold plastic to help me survive. With the house alone the mellow easy tunes of Soul P. running through my ears comforting my mind i sit alone with an exterior blanket of strength, power, fearlessness, and courageousness, hiding the lonely, scared, timid, fearful soul of mine. With thoughts running through my mind like a information highway i sit here in fear as the main road never ceases to conquer all my other thoughts. The fear of being so alone in the dark and so unwanted by anyone because of my selfishness. The fear of leaving, without ever being noticed gone. The fear of knowing your self destruction and know that i haven't even begun my wants nor my needs in life.

as i'm sitting here i'm thinking to myself.."what have i done?" It seems like i have no family to run to...no brother to watch over me like a shadow.. no mother to nurture me...and no father to lead me. I think sometimes what is there that i have...that i can give to someone else?

home alone again....goodnight...i can't comprehend whats going through my mind and why my tears do not cease to fall down my cheek....i don't know whyy a simple drive home could make me tear...i don't have the strength to hide the tears from anyone..anymore

Looooovely

It seems like in life there are the stops that you take in your path that can teach you the most important life lesson learned jn your lifetime
know to cherish what you have
keep what's worth keeping
embrace the gifts given to you
and live life not with or without caution but with the intentions to engrave impacted memories in the minds of the ones you love

Necessities

are a given.
if you need it you go out there
and get it. without fear or games.

your essential.
you just dont know it

Awww my girlfriend is sweeeet
Today today what a day good beginnings hopefully
Great endings
Hope everyone has a great day today

woooooow cooool

:(

cute dreams make me happy
hearing them makes me happier



dream sweet :(

up to date

well pretty much summer has been a looooot different for me
its been really new fun and exciting first of to update this
my girlfriend took me to this very secluded japanese restaurant called Yamashiro
that had an amazing view and cozy feel to it...the calamari was BOOOOOMB


then for tuesday...(the week after my birthday) she knew i had a bad birthday and she wanted to make it up to me.. so she suprised me with whale watching at dana point and with a collage of pictures of me and her haha.

it was soooo fun too lazy to get into detail but heres like a couple pictures





one of many dolphins :)

i noticed.

something realllllly big.
the answer to it alll



thaaank you best friend

im okay

much to say but too lazy lol
goodnight

get this

if you love music get this album

exercising the brain

Last night was a good night just talking about the randomest shit..
from talking about the fact of "there is no end" to "how we can speed up plant production" it was niice having a long conversation until 2 in the morning just about the randomest things that puzzle our minds. and it was nice having time to catch up with the family with some good information.

i love my family.

june 7, 2009

if there was a way to shut off the back of your mind.
please...teach me..

my throat hurts...too much food.
good day


but i hate the feeling of the one thing i learned to forget.
always seems to creep up somehow.

fucccck you!!!

emotional circus

dear ?,

as i sit here to think about what may lay forth in front of me in the future i sit and relax reminiscing on what past I've encrypted in my own personal history book. Because we all create our own history books in our mind so that one day, when that day comes, to sit down or lay down and just think about history. And when to think about it we don't think so that we can regret what past mistakes we've made, but to ensure ourselves, that we have been living the life that has made us whoever we've become at its present.

Fulton Oursler once said:

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”

Although it's seems impossible to live a life without having any regrets, nothing is ever impossible because whatever you wish to achieve can be reached only if the determination in one's mind is so sure-shot to make one believe that the impossible is possible. What Fulton Oursler was trying to explain was that pretty much the two things that steal us away from being happy, are the regret for the past and fear of the future. When we must all learn and understand that one must not dwell on what past we've paved because what was behind us are just bittersweet memories, and that the only feeling we should feel towards are future is not fear...but the feeling of excitement. joy. undying happiness. Because why fear to see the future? when another day given to us is a gift. A gift we must cherish carefully and not recklessly. Thats why we must not fear our future but grab on to the courage we all hold within ourselves to just embrace it and do nothing but just live it. Day by day.

But although there might be certain aspects in life that may bring us down..make us sad, cry, mad, or hate the very existence of ourselves. It's okay to feel these emotions because this is what feelings, us as human beings, carry upon ourselves. So theres nothing we can do to stop these feelings so we must learn to put a solution at the end of the problem. We must learn to overcome these feelings because negative feelings are the worst feelings to feel. We must learn that when your sad we have something that makes us happy, when we're mad we have someone to cool us down, when were crying you have something or someone there to stop the tears. Our emotions cannot be controlled by anyone else but ourselves. That's why we must be courageous with our emotions, and learn that no matter whatever someone might tell you not to.. Us as individuals know when...its okay for us to feel the way we do.


I personally know i've made some big mistakes in life...but i do not dwell on them but learn.. i learned so that i could better my character rather than batter myself with regrets and mistakes. I learned to open my eyes and understand.




p.s. i miss macario papa

alot

well i was thinking about typing alot of stuff about how i feel about certain things..because im beginning to miss alot of things...and things arent what they use to be...but i decided different..because if things dont wanna be the way they use to be because of some people then...forcing someone wont be as delightful than if they were to realize it on their own....i'm done expecting things i know can't come to be..

happiness is only achieved when there are no expectations..but only unwilling effort.



goodnight.
i know what needs to be done.

update.

hope for the best.
expect nothing.

i like this alot

Sometimes people put walls up, not to shut/keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

i neeeed

to find something to entertain me

what are you doing!!

to me?!?!?

why?

the question i ask myself is why?
when its one way

wonder days

these past days have been real good for me :)
i have been hanging out with klarissa and her family nonstop and it feels very comforting knowing i'm getting along with her family let alone its great they don't dislike me or anything. It seems as if all the nerves are gone and it feels really good to have met such a loving family and caring family. I'm truly grateful for waking up on that day of december 29 because without knowing what the outcome of it. I'm glad i did.
But i'm not only grateful for that. I'm more than fuccken grateful knowing that i'm probably the luckiest guy on Earth...to have someone as special and just fucking unbelievablysuprisinglyastonishinglymagnificentlygorgeousbeautifulwonderfulsexycaringloving
and important than her :)


i love klarissa libramonte
and i don't care who hears it

betters days

things turned out for the best
but im annoyed.

fork in the road.

today started off as a good day because it was an actual day where my brother and i to spend some quality time with each other and just talk about whats going on. Today was such a good day although i missed klarissa like no other and wanted nothing but to just get a hug from her..my brother was able to keep me from going insane without her. But anyways today my brother and i spent some good time at starbucks just talking about random things and serious things.

but the good day all went bad with just one phone call from my mom. After the heart wrenching conversation with my mom i was in so much pain.. The both of us thinking that the whole divorce was settled and all done with it seemed like it wasn't. I couldn't help but think "why the hell are you involving us when its something the both of you guys need to resolve on your own." With my mom just constantly nagging us complaining and being selfish with her own problems me and my brother just want out! Thats when we decided to drive to corona to talk to my dad not because of my mom but because we just want to hear his side of the story and understand what he's doing.

We get to corona with my grandma just about to get ready for bed and my ninang annie about to sleep as well and the constant painful sound of my auntie elsie coughing because of her illness. It was hard enough to ask my dad to have a word with us because he already knew what we were going to say...but it was even harder to see my aunt who i consider to be my mother coughing and fighting the cancer.

When my dad brother and i sit down at the dining room table we just talk about the whole divorce and how my dad is hiring a lawyer that suppose to help just get the whole divorce over with but my mom being the stubborn selfish person she can be is constantly dodging it..and for what reason? we don't know why. While we we're talking about the most serious thing a father and his sons can talk about as my dad explains his side and how he feels about things...it was breaking my heart to see the strong hearted man who i've grown up to see as fearless and who never cried..break down in tears with the very thoughts in his mind. I learned from my dad that i got the sensitive side from him. Because as much as i try to hide my sensitivity with my masculinity...the very thoughts that can shatter my heart would bring me to tears...hearing from my dad that the only thing thats keeping him happy and up is the fact that my aunt is fighting and struggling so hard to battle cancer. The fact that both of his sisters both sturggling from breast cancer and cervical cancer...is more than enough for him to understand how much pain and suffering they must endure everyday of there life...so it helps keep my dad spirits up because they're proving to him that although they're sick..they will be there for my dad no matter what. One thing that broke my heart was that my dad told us that if it were him that were sick with cancer he wouldn't have been able to battle it for as long as they did.

Finally hearing my dads side of the story helped me and my brother realize what's needed to be done.

But the way i feel right now....
is that i feel so sad. i might say i'm okay.
but deep down i know i'm not..
right now no one's here to listen to me and its hard.
with all this shit going on i seemed to forget my birthday is about a month away and the only person who never seemed to suprise me remembering the date and always checking what day it actually lands on was my grandma...it felt so good to know that the 20 years of my life..she's never forgotten the date or even day it landed on..and it brings me unrelenting happiness to know i have someone that loves me that much.

i hate crying...but it seems like i have to cry myself to sleep tonight.

toooodaay

is a goood day :)
i feeel rejuvenated
and i miss klarissa like crazy



goooood day to you

my minds a freeway

as of right now i just got home from the gf's house cause i figured hey she's sleepy so i'm going to let her sleep but i can't sleep..and i feel like tonight i'm going to sleep in my room tonight cause i feel like being alone right now. As of right now i got a lot of things in my mind. From family to relationships..to my own intuitions to life.

As i just sit on my desk in the dark and its about 20 to 3 am..playing that paradox lovers..i sit here with a lot on my mind thinking about the what ifs?..hoping for too much...wanting more than i need...and over thinking the smallest things...but most of all i got 4 things in my mind....my family...myself...my love...and my life.

i don't know why i'm constantly thinking..although sometimes i might say i got nothing on my mind..i actually have a lot on my mind. I'm at a constant pace when it comes to thinking about anything...it seems i can't sleep at night because my mind isn't clear of thoughts because the very thought of any subject opens up ideas and thoughts in my mind about that subject and i find myself in a constant battle to stop thinking and clear my mind so i can finally attain peace...but at the same time i can't help but thinking..and thinking..and thinking..

when i think of my family...i think about the family i thought i had. Although to some people they know i have a family because they see it that i do. But the only people to fully understand what status i stand on when it comes to having a family is my brother. I hate thinking about my family because it breaks my heart. I'm always thinking who's next? I've lost a handful of people throughout the years whether through death or just simply them walking out the door. When i think about these hard times i always wonder..is it really okay to have lost so many people in so little time?
i always ponder..who's next?

when i think about myself i'm always thinking about things i want for myself..but i find that to be very selfish...but at the same time does it mean i'm just very determined when it comes to already thinking or even knowing how i want certain things are suppose to be for me or things i want in life? i don't know. But one thing i do know is that when i think about myself..i ask the same question every night of my life. What is the next step? When i ask myself that i ask myself because i want to open my mind so i can see where the next step is in my life. I think this because i wonder...with all i've done in life..is this the next step that is really for me? Honestly when i think about of the type of person i am...i can surely say i'm far from perfect. I say this because all my life...from the beginning of my life in highschool to the end of 2007...i've lied to everyone about me. I've said things that weren't true...made promises i know i was not going to uphold...i've said certain things that were lies to the ones i loved...i've created myself..based on what other people would think of me. not only did i lie to people i lied to myself. i have so many imperfections i find myself at the beginning of the path to perfection with both of my feet tied to the beginning. When i look at how i've grown as a person from 2007 til now. I think to myself why do i not regret being how i was in high school? and i answer that question by saying it's because if i didn't live like that..i would never be the person i am now.

when i think about my love i always over analyze the bad in people than the good. I find myself doing this because i've had so many relationships in my life where i can surely say i've experienced it all from heartbreaks to broken hearts and heart aches to the aches of my knees. i guess you can say i think about loving someone so much that it brings me to the point of the heartache of losing something great.

but the thing i think of the most is life....because when i think about life...life generalizes it all because when you think about life...life is what? its the way we live it..who are we loving in it..who we create ourselves to be...our future...our wants and needs, etc. It sums it all up but with your life you always have the topic of something about your life..for me it has to do with how i feel. Right now i feel like there is no one there who understands how i truly feel. The truth is sometimes...i don't feel at ease with whats going on in my life. I wish that sometimes i just want an ear to talk to and arms to embrace me...and nothing else..no voice..no lust...no money...no expectations..just an open ear to listen and take in the information i give and arms to embrace me without letting go. Lately i've been feeling selfish because i wish that i just want to be prioritized. I want things i know i can't have. I hope for so much that i find myself only in disappointment.

all i want is for my needs to be fulfilled
i wish loved ones would take it that extra mile.


my eyes are heavy but my minds still going but my fingers are getting tired. so i'm finishing this.

p.s. ughh

this always makes me happy

cliche but nice



I want a love like me, thinking of you, thinking of me,
thinking of you type love
or, me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to
myself about how I feel about you type love
or, hating how jealous you are, but loving how much you
want me all to your self type love,
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name,
and shit, I wanted to see how far I could get without
calling you, and I barely made it out of my garage.
See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls
asleep then wonder if she dreaming about us being in love
type love,
or who loves the other more,
or what she's doing at this exact moment,
or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much when she's not there.
Shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed type love.
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
all around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type love then not have enough ink in my pen to write
all there is to love about her type love.
Hope that I make her feel as good as she makes me feel, like believing that her being in my life makes me a better person type love or I want her to distract me form whatever I'm doing type love
and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the
way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.
Only difference is this is one of those real love type loves.
and just like in high school, I want to spend hours on the phone with her not saying shit,
then fall asleep then wake up with HER right next to me,
and smell her all up in my covers type love
I want to try to counting the ways I love her, and then
lose count in the middle just so that I have to start all
over again type love
I want to celebrate one of those month anniversaries even
though they ain't really anniversaries, but doin' it just
cause it makes her happy type love.
And I want to break down the time we spend together into seconds just so it sounds like we spend more time together type love
And check this, I want fall in love with the melody the
phone plays when her number is dialed into it type loves
and then talk to her until I lose my breath, she leaves me breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me
I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer
because, in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves.
I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love her as long as I'd like to type loves,
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter just thinking
about how strong this love is type love.
I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
maybe just cut the split ends and trim my mustache, but
it will still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.
And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y'all this I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory
get transported to some third world country just to get treated then somehow meet up again with you so that I could fall in love with you in a different language to see if it still feels the same
I want a love that's as unexplainable as she is, but I'm married, so she is going to be the one that I share this love with.

piercing

is what it feels like right now
some things said really hurt more than
they can imagine...well..tired as fuck
but i got a long drive to take..
even if i haven't slept knowing if i do
i wouldn't wake up so i'm staying up so i
can get there bright and early...
as hurt as i am...i'm dumb enough to drop
my pride.

hope it works.

soooooooo bored..

save me :(

soooooooo bored..

fuck

ughh..i got hardly no sleep. I don't know whyy i won't just sleep usually i would sleep easily and sleep alot...i don't know..maybe i got too much on my mind lately so now i gotta just let some of it out of my head..

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh

first things first...i have a lot of things i'm thinking about..
but i can't seem to talk about it..or write about it..when i'm pushing myself to write something it doesn't come out...honestly i just feel like cussing right now fuck.!

good people

life is surrounded by millions of assholes, jackasses, shady people, etc..
but in life you can find some good people out there.
i think i have.
i'm going to go more in depth later i just felt like updating :)



p.s. i've been waiting in corona.

free will

love it and hate it

fuck this

as of 11:20 pm
the only family i have left is my brother..
the only person staying true
i've been lied to...
told to keep secrets from relatives..
my parents didn't have a real marriage..
full of bullshit



if your a friend. and your reading this.
please don't contact me.
or try to get a hold of me.
i won't pick it up.

the game?

this is why everyone should love common
he's dope

and the video was directed by a greaaaat and creative director
by the name of Nabil Elderkin

fuccken dope

BLOGS

hahaha i found a blog
i like
its called "Stuff white people like"

whats the blog about?

no deep meaning just straight forward...stuff white people like! lol





gooodnight
<3 klarissa

which one are you?

i was reading a couple blogs and i passed by this blog called the "think movement" and i really liked the whole idea of having random post about things that just make you exercise the wrinkles in your brain....

here's a post i thought was really something you need to find out about yourself.


"Fellow thinker and inspirational writer Orison Swett Marden said that, “There are three type of people in the world. There’s the wills, the won’ts and the can’ts. The first accomplish everything: the second oppose everything: the third fail at everything.”

Now I ask you, is there a difference in the one which best defines you and the one which best defines your cirlce of influence?"


which one are you?

jojo

I Can Take You There (Bonus Track) - JoJo

i like this song

( )

joaaaaaaaaaaanna


fuccccccccccccccccccck theeem!

asdfghjkl

where to start.....

my minds at a blank...im going to start writing once something comes up
hopefully soon cause i got a lot on my mind and i wanna let it out.

stanky leg

hahahahahhahahahahahhahhahahahaha
i had to do it lol


Stanky Leg from Joanosa on Vimeo.

i love video chat

yet another video of me and my cousin joanna

:)



Mr. Manhattan from Chad Papa on Vimeo.


mr. manhattan body ;)
hahahahahah


p.s. kristiaaaans cuuuuuuute :)

great night

i love it when you have those long ongoing conversations about just the most random things...and not thinking of a topic to bring up but just talking about the first thing that comes off the tip of your tongue..greaaaaaaat way to end the day :)

to me being able to talk about random shit...and just going on and on with the conversation, keeps me on the tip of my toes. Wanting to hear more and talk more about anything.

goodnight



p.s. phillips ranch.

family..

today was a really good day it started off goood and still ended in somewhat a goodway..
well today after my cousins and i played tennis..we headed home to watch quarantine and that movie is fucken scary....anyways afterwards we started chit chatting and catching up..well i was doing most of the catching up but oh well..it felt good seeing my cousins again and talking like we use to talk...its been like 3 months since i've seen any of them really..and now that i've seen them and updated myself with whats going on in Norwalk..i missed out on alot of things...but not since i'm caught up i don't feel so left out after all.

after tennis we finished talking and went home when we arrived today my mom was leaving exactly at the time we just got home..and she tells us to hurry and park because they had just called my mom letting her know my grandpa's blood pressure dropped. The instant i heard the news it struck me like a hammer in my chest. My grandpa was taken to the ICU..if you don't know what that is..that's pretty much the place were there constantly monitoring your status because of the condition your in is severe. The moment we left my brother and i called our cousins and stuff to tell there moms and they called my aunts and uncles who were the children of my grandpa because this might be the last days of my grandpa..

the moment that we had arrived at the hospital at like 12:20 am. We walk into the ICU and the moment i saw my grandpa lying in the bed with all the tubes and oxygen mask on him my heart dropped and my eyes flooded with tears...the thing i hate the most..is to see the one i love suffer the most unbearable pain and do nothing about it..sometimes i wonder why us. I mean i'm not doubting that GOD is out there to get me..but i always wondering..why hasn't he answered my prayers when i'm in the most need of them. I mean i understand that prayer shouldn't be done only in need of it...but honestly..i'm not the greatest catholic, and i'm sure he knows it. I only wish he would just answer my prayers when i'm in need of them but i also understand that GOD has a plan for everyone and everything happens for a reason...and that there are times where GOD might take the ones we love at the time we don't want him to but theres nothing we can do..but pray..and trust in his plan. But honestly...i've had a rough life right now and everyone deserves a little something good..when your having a bad day. And i ask myself...where's my litte something good?...and i can't see it...or at least i didn't realize until now..that that little something good in my life...was closer that i think..and i thank GOD for that little something good because it's helped me be the person i am now...it helped me deal with the rough times because although there might be the toughest moments in your life..but you always have to remember..they're always followed by the good..or even the greatest moments in your life. I thank GOD for that little something good because it's made me regain the person i once was years ago. Thank you for grand/edison <3 :)

Although i might be going through some shitty stuff..today was a day i felt like my cousins and i got closer again..we staying in the hospital cafeteria for hours talking about old memories and old times we had and i really felt we regain the bond we once had before..i love my cousins...because we're wherever we need to be for each other.


well...thats it for the evening i have work at 10.30
gooodnight.

god bless tatay. i love you with all my heart.

first day in school

was cool........

some weird people
but it feels really good actually getting a degree in what i loved since i was young...
computer engineering/architectural design


my professor mrs. mccain is cool..said something that really stuck in my brain..
that no matter what plan you layout for yourself..change..is always there.


its true..
change is the only constant.

5:15am and i need to sleeep goodnight.



klarissa if your reading...

GRAND/EDISON....:)

new year.

its already the 2nd month of the new year...and i find myself discovering many new things..things that to some may be the greatest thing to happen to them and some just the worst...but this year has been starting off real good for me.. so i thank God for giving me another year were i can either decided to make it a great one or one of the past years..and i've decided that i was going to live my life the way i want to live it..and one thing i've decided to do at 4:30 am the beginning of daylight savings time...is to blog..because some people find writing or talking to someone or something is the best outlet to help regain the happiness that brought you down in the first place..for me i chose this because...i know i can always look back and read this..and for those reading this..whoever you maybe be..whether a complete stranger or the closest person i know...this blog...is kinda like that thing i know forsure i can go and write on about how i feel about certain things...honestly it's sad that i only type in this when i'm feeling blue...or when i have something on the top of my mind and i need an outlet...and sometimes...your friends..family...or your other half may not be able to mend whatever tribulations you endure. sometimes..people just want to talk..and be heard..and i know that with this...i may or may not be heard...but i know i can definitely talk...

as i sit here..in my chair..thinking...and solving...what needs to be solved i try to find the perfect song to listen as i write and i'm kinda in the mood for a real good soulful r&b song..to keep me in the writing mood i'm in..

well honestly..i'm not going to write about how sad i am right now with a relationship i have cause i'm not...i just need to let someone, whoever may be reading this know how i feel in my current situation with that special someone...as i sit here listening to brian mcknight..i start to think...why...why am i so sprung over her...and why does she have this special hold on me where...everyday...every hour....every second...i feel like i need to have her there..either on the phone...texting..video chatting...or physically just there..i wonder why in the world does she get me feeling how i do now..i honestly never really felt like this before...i'm not saying that i DON'T like this feeling cause i do..honestly..i do..but at the same time its making me feel scared...because the way she makes me feel is really weird...i wake up each morning hoping to wake up with those simple goodmorning text or the sound of her voice close to my ear..i constantly think about her when i try to force myself not to...(not in a bad way but ina good)...like even if i'm away doing something with my friends or cousins where i found myself before (this sucks but its true) totally forgetting that significant other because i'm having too much fun..but until the fun is done..is when i remember i have to say hello..but with her..i can have the time of my life with my friends or family...but every moment...every little thing reminds me of her...i have that feeling inside my chest...where my heart feels good when im around her...but miss her the moment she takes that first step away from me....she makes all my past tribulations go away and make it as if the past heartbreaks never even existed...she makes me soooo happy that i've never beeen this happy in a very very long time...and when im around her i don't have to change anyway i am or act any differently than i do around my family or my friends or cousins...i find myself...even getting JEALOUS!!...and honestly the last time i got jealous was my sophmore year in highschool..and sometimes...i want to tell her how special...how important..how much i really do like her...(i'm not in love though -__- i'm being smart.)...i can never conjure up the words to describe how i feel about her..and i've always never had problems doing that...because sadly..to my ex's and ex lovers...i've said some shit i've told every girl and been able to say it so easily..but with her...i don't want to say that same shit again...thats whyy i can't think of any words...any phrases...anything! to say to her or do for her to show how much i really like her...
fuccck i ramble...and i know theres a whole lot more i can say about her...but one thing is...i know that i'm back to my old self :)

well an update in my life is that...although i'm back to my old self..some new endeavors stand in my pathway in life....and sometimes i wonder...how i stand on my two feet..when i know the man that kept me standing on my own two feet past away 9 years ago...and til this day as i write this line can still make me cry with the very thought of him...and to make it worst...the roof i live under is no longer supported by both of my parents..and honestly..although i might live with my mom....i miss my dad so much...from the time my dad watched my first tee ball game...first soccer game...first basketball game...first graduation in middle school...first everything...i wonder...how...how can i, one of the most sensitive people in the world...build thick skin to not let what's going on in my life affect me..but with the slightest breakthrough...i'm so heartbroken over it..honestly..i'm scared...i don't want to loose anymore important people...

but i guess in life..you need to learn to take a risk...whether how small or how enormous of a risk it may be...you just gotta learn to take it because without the courage to take a risk in life...you'll never learn whether it be a mistake... going into it...or the best one you will ever make in your life...there's no way of finding out..without dropping your fear of commitment..fear of loss..fear of failure..or even fear of not being able to stand on your own two feet again...and taking that risk to the next step forward or next brick to lay out on your own pathway to life.





-Chad P.

p.s. When you understand yourself, that very day you have understood the whole of humanity. Then nobody can make you miserable...
-Osho