but the good day all went bad with just one phone call from my mom. After the heart wrenching conversation with my mom i was in so much pain.. The both of us thinking that the whole divorce was settled and all done with it seemed like it wasn't. I couldn't help but think "why the hell are you involving us when its something the both of you guys need to resolve on your own." With my mom just constantly nagging us complaining and being selfish with her own problems me and my brother just want out! Thats when we decided to drive to corona to talk to my dad not because of my mom but because we just want to hear his side of the story and understand what he's doing.
We get to corona with my grandma just about to get ready for bed and my ninang annie about to sleep as well and the constant painful sound of my auntie elsie coughing because of her illness. It was hard enough to ask my dad to have a word with us because he already knew what we were going to say...but it was even harder to see my aunt who i consider to be my mother coughing and fighting the cancer.
When my dad brother and i sit down at the dining room table we just talk about the whole divorce and how my dad is hiring a lawyer that suppose to help just get the whole divorce over with but my mom being the stubborn selfish person she can be is constantly dodging it..and for what reason? we don't know why. While we we're talking about the most serious thing a father and his sons can talk about as my dad explains his side and how he feels about things...it was breaking my heart to see the strong hearted man who i've grown up to see as fearless and who never cried..break down in tears with the very thoughts in his mind. I learned from my dad that i got the sensitive side from him. Because as much as i try to hide my sensitivity with my masculinity...the very thoughts that can shatter my heart would bring me to tears...hearing from my dad that the only thing thats keeping him happy and up is the fact that my aunt is fighting and struggling so hard to battle cancer. The fact that both of his sisters both sturggling from breast cancer and cervical cancer...is more than enough for him to understand how much pain and suffering they must endure everyday of there life...so it helps keep my dad spirits up because they're proving to him that although they're sick..they will be there for my dad no matter what. One thing that broke my heart was that my dad told us that if it were him that were sick with cancer he wouldn't have been able to battle it for as long as they did.
Finally hearing my dads side of the story helped me and my brother realize what's needed to be done.
But the way i feel right now....
is that i feel so sad. i might say i'm okay.
but deep down i know i'm not..
right now no one's here to listen to me and its hard.
with all this shit going on i seemed to forget my birthday is about a month away and the only person who never seemed to suprise me remembering the date and always checking what day it actually lands on was my grandma...it felt so good to know that the 20 years of my life..she's never forgotten the date or even day it landed on..and it brings me unrelenting happiness to know i have someone that loves me that much.
i hate crying...but it seems like i have to cry myself to sleep tonight.
No comments:
Post a Comment