update on life.

worth.
1. The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable:

Worth. pretty much we all know the word "worth" pertains to something that is valuable or desirable to someone. As of September 28, 2009. The worth i've built up to be for myself has dwindled down to its last penny. I've grown and matured to become a different person. One that you may see to your dislike but for me. I see it as myself growing into an adult. As i sit in on the dinning room table with the sound of a faint echo of my keys as i press my fingers against them i think to myself one thing. Why? The most commonly asked question in the world...Why? I sit her thinking Why am i crying? As i try to think about the reason why the constant sobbering and constant whimpering doesnt able me to clearly figure out the big picture. As i finally calm down and catch my breath it comes to my mind. I'm letting my self be eaten by my back of my mind. I'm too busy thinking about what i want and not what i probably need. Sometimes i wonder why do i always need to get even? when i always give the simple advice to other people "be the bigger person," meaning to not get even.. but to grow up and admit your wrongs and not to get back right. I keep telling myself i'm so overwhelmed with work and stressed with so many problematic situations.. when the only true answer is relax. Life is too short to sweat the small things and stress so much to grow bigger problems. If there's one thing i've learned in life that's "Love has nothing to do with looks, but everything to do with time, trust, and interest." I've learned that the most impatient people like myself need to learn to be patient. Although patience is a trait not easily learned.. but the irony about patience is that... You don't even know it but once you've learned to be patient, you understand that you we're patient in the beginning in order to realize that you were. Trust.. ahh one of the most common gift taken for granted. You can say that Trust is like the egg in the egg toss game. So fragile, on the outside but so filling inside. With the smallest crack can break it. Although i keep telling myself that i trust, i trust, i have nothing to worry about. I can't really admit to that but the one thing i can admit to is that i'm in the process of trusting. Is that a bad thing? not necessarily.. yes it'd be nice to gain someone's trust just like that but what's so good about that? Tell me someone who just easily trust you.. is that really better than someone who learns to complete trust you? Time is the core ingredient with everything as much as we want either time's clock to quicken or slow down. Time is and will always be the only constant. For love the ingredient is time..trust..time..intrest..time..infatuation..time..money..time..life..time..wants..time.... Time is the main ingredient with life. Using time with trust is not having the 'wants' to have someone trust you right now... but to want that person to find his/her right 'time' to complete trust you. With love time is an ingredient most commonly used with love. Because with love comes patience. Loving someone takes great courage. It takes great courage because Love, although the greatest gift of all, can be taken for granted or be used in vain. Love.. what is it? no one knows it.. but like the wind you can't see it or explain it.. but can only feel it. Love is like an amoeba.. it's in no shape or form but is molded and shaped between to halves and is the glue to make those halves whole.

Ahh my life. Crazy? yes. Normal? somewhat. Growing up i had an ironic life. I grew up fighting and being punished and beaten by my dad and loved and cherished by my mother. But once i grew up it seems as if my dad care's and loves me more and my mom is the one who beats and talks down to me. june 15, 1996, i was 13, and it was the day before my birthday. My mom was gone for a business trip again, for the 2nd year in a row and my dad looses his temper because of some miniscule thing i've done and my punishment was being driven the heart of the ghetto of norwalk on imperial and pioneer and left there. For the first time in my life i was kicked out of my house. Not only kicked out but driven somewhere blindfolded and left in the cold for hours lost and confused on where to go. for the first time. i've come out with this. But that night was a night to be remembered. I was 13 and i tried finding my way back home but to find myself to get lost in the "one ways" for the first time. And the only flash memory of being held at gunpoint breaking down in tears but to rescue my 8th grade school teacher had lived in the one ways and noticed me and came to my rescue. Feared until this day.. breaks my heart to know i've kept that inside for so long until this day my dad or mom or even brother doesn't even know of this event. Although my childhood with my father had seemed harsh or abrasive.. I'm glad to know that til this day my dad apologized for the bad times he put me through and showed me that he still wants to still try and by my dad. And i'm more than greatful for that. But since then the relationship that my mother and i have... have gone from mother and son.. to woman to man.. I've never been kicked out ever since that day but since i've been kicked out so many times the past few months it brings back the memories... ones not worth reminiscing.

To be honest i'm the type of person to say everything because my personal life is something that i don't like to reminisce most of the time.

It seems as if my life is the 2000 piece puzzle being solved in the family van. With every bump in the road.. a piece of my puzzle of my life is lost under the seat.. and i don't seem to try and gain that piece back. Year after Year has been a rough year. With the lost of my grandma last year nearing my birthday..and now the death of my other grandma just a week ago.. makes me wonder.. the same question.. why? Although with an sturdy, strong exterior lies within a feeble interior. What i mean by that is that when the time i do drop my rough exterior.. i just breakdown.

To describe myself in a paragraph i'd say i'm a very simple, plain, arrogant, stubborn, happy, selfish, annoying, nosey, caring, and loving person. When i say i'm simple i mean it referring to my style.. i love simple things and don't need no fancy shcamncy things. When i say i'm plain.. i mean it as.. i don't like to party.. club.. drink.. smoke weed.. or hook up with girls all the time.. the only thing i ever desire is just to chill. When i mean i'm arrogant its self- explanatory. When i say i'm stubborn i mean it because no matter how much i want to admit my wrong i don't because i don't want to be wrong. Happy because who doesn't love and want to be happy? selfish because when i want something i don't share. The other stuff you know i'm to lazy to explain but this is me.. The problem is that i worry and care to much sometimes that i let it get a hold of me.

i don't know this is a weird post.. it jumps here and there..

anyways.. Life.. i suck at it right now..

i suck because i've become "worth"less

i do want to just sleep forever sometimes.