new year.

its already the 2nd month of the new year...and i find myself discovering many new things..things that to some may be the greatest thing to happen to them and some just the worst...but this year has been starting off real good for me.. so i thank God for giving me another year were i can either decided to make it a great one or one of the past years..and i've decided that i was going to live my life the way i want to live it..and one thing i've decided to do at 4:30 am the beginning of daylight savings time...is to blog..because some people find writing or talking to someone or something is the best outlet to help regain the happiness that brought you down in the first place..for me i chose this because...i know i can always look back and read this..and for those reading this..whoever you maybe be..whether a complete stranger or the closest person i know...this blog...is kinda like that thing i know forsure i can go and write on about how i feel about certain things...honestly it's sad that i only type in this when i'm feeling blue...or when i have something on the top of my mind and i need an outlet...and sometimes...your friends..family...or your other half may not be able to mend whatever tribulations you endure. sometimes..people just want to talk..and be heard..and i know that with this...i may or may not be heard...but i know i can definitely talk...

as i sit here..in my chair..thinking...and solving...what needs to be solved i try to find the perfect song to listen as i write and i'm kinda in the mood for a real good soulful r&b song..to keep me in the writing mood i'm in..

well honestly..i'm not going to write about how sad i am right now with a relationship i have cause i'm not...i just need to let someone, whoever may be reading this know how i feel in my current situation with that special someone...as i sit here listening to brian mcknight..i start to think...why...why am i so sprung over her...and why does she have this special hold on me where...everyday...every hour....every second...i feel like i need to have her there..either on the phone...texting..video chatting...or physically just there..i wonder why in the world does she get me feeling how i do now..i honestly never really felt like this before...i'm not saying that i DON'T like this feeling cause i do..honestly..i do..but at the same time its making me feel scared...because the way she makes me feel is really weird...i wake up each morning hoping to wake up with those simple goodmorning text or the sound of her voice close to my ear..i constantly think about her when i try to force myself not to...(not in a bad way but ina good)...like even if i'm away doing something with my friends or cousins where i found myself before (this sucks but its true) totally forgetting that significant other because i'm having too much fun..but until the fun is done..is when i remember i have to say hello..but with her..i can have the time of my life with my friends or family...but every moment...every little thing reminds me of her...i have that feeling inside my chest...where my heart feels good when im around her...but miss her the moment she takes that first step away from me....she makes all my past tribulations go away and make it as if the past heartbreaks never even existed...she makes me soooo happy that i've never beeen this happy in a very very long time...and when im around her i don't have to change anyway i am or act any differently than i do around my family or my friends or cousins...i find myself...even getting JEALOUS!!...and honestly the last time i got jealous was my sophmore year in highschool..and sometimes...i want to tell her how special...how important..how much i really do like her...(i'm not in love though -__- i'm being smart.)...i can never conjure up the words to describe how i feel about her..and i've always never had problems doing that...because sadly..to my ex's and ex lovers...i've said some shit i've told every girl and been able to say it so easily..but with her...i don't want to say that same shit again...thats whyy i can't think of any words...any phrases...anything! to say to her or do for her to show how much i really like her...
fuccck i ramble...and i know theres a whole lot more i can say about her...but one thing is...i know that i'm back to my old self :)

well an update in my life is that...although i'm back to my old self..some new endeavors stand in my pathway in life....and sometimes i wonder...how i stand on my two feet..when i know the man that kept me standing on my own two feet past away 9 years ago...and til this day as i write this line can still make me cry with the very thought of him...and to make it worst...the roof i live under is no longer supported by both of my parents..and honestly..although i might live with my mom....i miss my dad so much...from the time my dad watched my first tee ball game...first soccer game...first basketball game...first graduation in middle school...first everything...i wonder...how...how can i, one of the most sensitive people in the world...build thick skin to not let what's going on in my life affect me..but with the slightest breakthrough...i'm so heartbroken over it..honestly..i'm scared...i don't want to loose anymore important people...

but i guess in life..you need to learn to take a risk...whether how small or how enormous of a risk it may be...you just gotta learn to take it because without the courage to take a risk in life...you'll never learn whether it be a mistake... going into it...or the best one you will ever make in your life...there's no way of finding out..without dropping your fear of commitment..fear of loss..fear of failure..or even fear of not being able to stand on your own two feet again...and taking that risk to the next step forward or next brick to lay out on your own pathway to life.





-Chad P.

p.s. When you understand yourself, that very day you have understood the whole of humanity. Then nobody can make you miserable...
-Osho