my minds a freeway

as of right now i just got home from the gf's house cause i figured hey she's sleepy so i'm going to let her sleep but i can't sleep..and i feel like tonight i'm going to sleep in my room tonight cause i feel like being alone right now. As of right now i got a lot of things in my mind. From family to relationships..to my own intuitions to life.

As i just sit on my desk in the dark and its about 20 to 3 am..playing that paradox lovers..i sit here with a lot on my mind thinking about the what ifs?..hoping for too much...wanting more than i need...and over thinking the smallest things...but most of all i got 4 things in my mind....my family...myself...my love...and my life.

i don't know why i'm constantly thinking..although sometimes i might say i got nothing on my mind..i actually have a lot on my mind. I'm at a constant pace when it comes to thinking about anything...it seems i can't sleep at night because my mind isn't clear of thoughts because the very thought of any subject opens up ideas and thoughts in my mind about that subject and i find myself in a constant battle to stop thinking and clear my mind so i can finally attain peace...but at the same time i can't help but thinking..and thinking..and thinking..

when i think of my family...i think about the family i thought i had. Although to some people they know i have a family because they see it that i do. But the only people to fully understand what status i stand on when it comes to having a family is my brother. I hate thinking about my family because it breaks my heart. I'm always thinking who's next? I've lost a handful of people throughout the years whether through death or just simply them walking out the door. When i think about these hard times i always wonder..is it really okay to have lost so many people in so little time?
i always ponder..who's next?

when i think about myself i'm always thinking about things i want for myself..but i find that to be very selfish...but at the same time does it mean i'm just very determined when it comes to already thinking or even knowing how i want certain things are suppose to be for me or things i want in life? i don't know. But one thing i do know is that when i think about myself..i ask the same question every night of my life. What is the next step? When i ask myself that i ask myself because i want to open my mind so i can see where the next step is in my life. I think this because i wonder...with all i've done in life..is this the next step that is really for me? Honestly when i think about of the type of person i am...i can surely say i'm far from perfect. I say this because all my life...from the beginning of my life in highschool to the end of 2007...i've lied to everyone about me. I've said things that weren't true...made promises i know i was not going to uphold...i've said certain things that were lies to the ones i loved...i've created myself..based on what other people would think of me. not only did i lie to people i lied to myself. i have so many imperfections i find myself at the beginning of the path to perfection with both of my feet tied to the beginning. When i look at how i've grown as a person from 2007 til now. I think to myself why do i not regret being how i was in high school? and i answer that question by saying it's because if i didn't live like that..i would never be the person i am now.

when i think about my love i always over analyze the bad in people than the good. I find myself doing this because i've had so many relationships in my life where i can surely say i've experienced it all from heartbreaks to broken hearts and heart aches to the aches of my knees. i guess you can say i think about loving someone so much that it brings me to the point of the heartache of losing something great.

but the thing i think of the most is life....because when i think about life...life generalizes it all because when you think about life...life is what? its the way we live it..who are we loving in it..who we create ourselves to be...our future...our wants and needs, etc. It sums it all up but with your life you always have the topic of something about your life..for me it has to do with how i feel. Right now i feel like there is no one there who understands how i truly feel. The truth is sometimes...i don't feel at ease with whats going on in my life. I wish that sometimes i just want an ear to talk to and arms to embrace me...and nothing else..no voice..no lust...no money...no expectations..just an open ear to listen and take in the information i give and arms to embrace me without letting go. Lately i've been feeling selfish because i wish that i just want to be prioritized. I want things i know i can't have. I hope for so much that i find myself only in disappointment.

all i want is for my needs to be fulfilled
i wish loved ones would take it that extra mile.


my eyes are heavy but my minds still going but my fingers are getting tired. so i'm finishing this.

p.s. ughh